Winter has returned on Laughing Water Farm. It is supposed to be cold all week, with below zero temps every night and highs in the single digits F. We will fire up a wood stove and be cozy.
I often sit here and have no idea what I am going to write about. The last couple days I have had a few ideas I wanted to explore. I think this will be my last post about ego pain for awhile; although, it is such a rich subject and I couldn't exhaust it. I would like to get back to the subject that underlies all our problems - our lack of love for ourselves. Of course, who knows, Wednesday when I sit down here, something else might be on my mind.
The need to be right is one of those ego tricks that causes many problems in relationships and creates a block to personal growth. It is complicated by our cultural biases which encourage aggression, competition, assertiveness and outdoing each other in many different ways.
The ego, by its very nature, is full of blind spots. As long as our egos dominate we won't see truth. So the need to be right, not only blinds us to the truth, it causes us to defend untruth vigorously. This is a major problem at both the personal and societal level. Intelligent and assertive individuals often rise to power positions in our government and social structure. To the degree, these folks need to be right, is often the degree they are wrong. Their need to be right creates and maintains blindness.
I grew up in a family that had, the need to be right, as a significant theme. Underlying this ego pain is always the fear that one is unworthy or incompetent. This underlying fear can be very hidden. The individual is only aware of his/her need to be right in every discussion. This need to be right can be very powerful indeed. It is often defended at the 'level of death.'
When one grows up in a family with this theme, they may engage vigorously in the battle to be one of the 'smart ones' or they may disengage and learn to keep their opinions to themselves. Some members may vacillate between both approaches, depending on who they are with. Depending on the power of this theme, real self-esteem is difficult to develop. Those who learned to engage must learn to give up investment in being right and find inner strength. Those who chose not to engage must recognize the game for what it is and likewise look for inner strength.
The fear of being unworthy or incompetent can be at various levels. It can be a vague annoyance that one has to occasionally deal with or it can be so powerful that one would defend themselves to the death. The difference will be in the amount of anxiety we will experience as we learn to give up the program.
How do we get over our need to be right? Well, small steps. What are the arguments about in the family? When and why do we have the urge to contradict? What triggers our need to give our opinion? The beginning of awareness is the first step.
Awareness nurtures more awareness. When we want to learn about ourselves, we will learn. In our day to day conversations, when we see, the need to be right, raise its ugly face, pass up the invitation. We may feel a little anxiety to pass up the chance to be right once again. It will be worth it. We need to remind ourselves we are loved whether we are right or wrong.
We are all worthy and competency is an illusion.
Love and Peace, Gregg
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