RELATIONSHIPS THREE

No matter how good everything else is going in our lives, it is nothing if our relationships are not healthy. This is especially true about our primary relationships. We cannot see paradise when we are having difficulties, in our relationships, with those closest to us. Oh sure, we can get a glimpse now and then. We may be able to visit paradise sometimes; but to have a sustained vision of paradise we need to be able to share it with those closest to us. That means being able to love freely and completely in the relationship[s] we are in.

What keeps us from loving freely and completely? Every reader could make their own list. Many of the things we might think of are shadows from past relationships, some perhaps going back to our early formative years. We fought for survival, sometimes in very dysfunctional families and environments. We developed strategies, that seemed useful at the time, but are now interfering. We developed limits to our self-esteem. We had shame and guilt inculcated in us. We can't, all, lay on a therapist couch and recreate these dilemmas and free ourselves. And, we don't have to, for we can be our own therapist.

We all have the power of being aware of ourselves. We will go through periods of blindness when we "will need a little help from our friends". Still, we can be very effective self-therapist. We can learn what it feels like when our ego light comes on. We can learn to pause and let that moment elapse and not speak or act until the ego light dims. We can learn to listen to others. Listen, listen, listen and listen some more.

We need to remember that opinions, yours and others are only opinions. They are mental formulations of the moment. They do not need attack, defense or agreement. It is a mistake to be too fond of our own opinions. In a relationship, fondness of our own opinions, can easily lead to defensiveness in both members. When we confuse our opinions with our being, the ego light will be luminescent indeed. We are not our opinions. We need not defend them.

We need to tune into when we are defensive. Defensiveness can be subtle. We need to remember, that the other person, will generally see defensiveness as an attack upon them. They will see, our need to be defensive, as an accusation that they could or might hurt us. When we see defensiveness in others, and our self-esteem is strong, we don't see attack, we see insecurity and a call for love.

We have a love light as well as an ego light. That warm feeling that comes over us when we feel loved or loving, that light that shines in our eyes; we can learn to identify that, in ourselves, when it is happening. We can actually learn to shine that light. We can even learn to switch it on when we are in a tough spot. But, that only comes with awareness.

Have you made your list? At the top of my list, is learning to be gentle. Gentleness goes a long way. Gentleness gets us listened to, when nothing else will. Gentleness makes people comfortable with us. Gentleness helps people dim their ego light. Gentleness helps us keep our ego light off. Gentleness wards off defensiveness. Gentleness lets our love flow unimpeded.

I am sure I will have a relationship four and five. I don't think we can exhaust this subject.

Love and Peace,  Gregg