THE VICTIM CARD

Hey! I had a great idea, writing about how the increasing intensity of the love around us can have a paradoxical affect because our ego's feel threatened. Friday, I said I would be prepared to write about it. I am not. I will be, I can use myself as an example.

I was playing a little three card solitaire. I got a hold of the Victim Card. I held on to it a little too long. Oh, I have a long string of excuses. I didn't have a good week etc. But the Victim Card, what a painful one that is. It might be okay to feel sorry for yourself for a minute or two. I don't know it is not my trip.

We need to take care of ourselves tenderly. We need to acknowledge when things are painful and it is good to weep a few tears for yourself. However, when I was feeling sorry for myself I was not loving myself, I was cutting off the love that was available.

If I am the victim then how am I going to help myself? It is an angry powerless position. There is nothing much worse than feeling angry and powerless, it is the ingredients for rage.

I was standing up to my neck in the swamp of human mis-function and casting my eyes heavenward trying to meditate. I thought I could find that quiet place inside filled with unconditional love.

Fortunately, I can never emerge myself completely into one of these dark places. I didn't quite hear the answer but I felt the Universe's answer in every bone in my body, “Why don't you crawl out of the swamp you old fool!”

Once I started my journey out of the swamp the voice softened and told me to forgive myself and love myself. I begin to feel lighter and feel that Universal Love again. I was told not to remind myself of my errors and watch what strange pools you explore. You have guides.

I imagine I will expand on this experience later.

It is so important that we don't cut off our own love for ourselves. There is no substitute certainly not self pity.

I don't know why I needed to have this lesson. I very rarely feel sorry for myself. Ahh................ perhaps it is because I haven't been as compassionate as I could be to others who have held the Victim Card too long. I have learned! I have learned!

Love yourself my friends. Treat yourself tenderly and with kindness.

I have visited that swamp for you. You don't need to go there. I like to feel one should be able to do it for everybody. We are One. However, while we are separated by these bodies, we will all need to have our individual lessons. Just keep in mind that whenever we get into one of these bad spots, it is just a lesson we chose for our learning. We learn and we see the light again.

Let us keep our eyes on the light and fill every moment with love.

Love and Peace, Gregg

TIRED

My mentors speak of an energy change that is engulfing the world. The energy itself is love and its great increase in intensity. Should be all positive, right? The problem is our egos use fear to guide us and they are terrified they will lose their function. The ego rebels against the love and causes all kind of turmoil for the individual.

Those who are involved in meditation and other spiritual practices pick up the increased activity of their egos and are more or less able to compensate. The majority of people just feel agitated and unsure of their judgements.

The disturbance in the human body can be emotional, psychological or physical. It can express itself as all three, at different times and intensity. I have been going through some of this but I would like to wait until Monday to report more fully on it. I need to learn more about how it effects humanity as a whole besides delve deeper into how it has been effecting me.

Besides that I am too tired. I haven't had a good Night's sleep all week. I hope you won't mind hearing a little bit more of the mattress story.

I mentioned my magical Monday, finding my missing cup and then finding a mattress that seemed ideal and actually getting same day delivery. Well the mattress wasn't quite as ideal as I hoped. Tuesday Morning I had most of the same pains. The pains don't last long and they bother me most when I get up in the Night. I have had these mattress induced pains before, there are several. I will try to describe the one that bothers me the most. Imagine you were walking on a slippery surface, you feel you are about to lose your balance and you compensate by jerking back and it feels like you pulled a muscle behind your ribcage. For awhile after that it hurts when you move a certain way. Usually a sharp pain.

That is the worse pain because it is scary. I get up to pee at Night and I have this sharp pain and it reminds one we have a heart. Although, I know it is not a heart attack, things can wear on one. There are a couple other little pains they all disappear within seconds upon arising.

Well Tuesday I decided my body just hadn't healed yet from the original injury and I thought I would give the mattress another chance.

Wednesday, it might have been a skosh better. There was hope.

Thursday Morning I had endured a miserable Night and decided it was time to get into the plus $1000 dollar mattress club and I went to a real mattress store and bought the firm mattress that I need. It will be delivered Saturday. Two more strange Nights.

The first of those two was last Night and I had hardly a problem. I contemplated for a few seconds on canceling the order and saving $1469.95 [I wasn't going to say just how much I paid- but what the heck].

Even though I seemed to have a fairly good sleep last Night. I am still washed out today. Perhaps, there is tension that keeps the sleep from doing its good purpose.

It would be nice if that mattress could give me a good sleep tonight, I got places to go and people to see tomorrow.

Although these symptoms weighed on me I knew they had to be from the mattress. They were the very same problems I had over thirty years ago when I graduated to a firm mattress. I don't know the brand of that mattress but it sure did well for me over thirty plus years.

I hope you didn't mind hearing more about my mattress saga. When I am this tired I can only report what is in front of me.

Happy Friday!

Send me a Good Night kiss!

Love and Peace, Gregg

A SHORT NOTE

Our cleaning lady changed her schedule and came today instead of yesterday. I could have worked around it and blogged while she was here; vacuum cleaner noise etc, wouldn't disturb me. She speaks in a loud clear voice and she was having a very interesting conversation with Jamie as she went about her cleaning, that wasn't disturbing either, but I wanted to listen. Mainly, however. I am kind of in flux with certain ideas that I would like to write about. Perhaps my head will be clearer on Friday.

By the way, I mentioned that book, “WALKING EACH OTHER HOME” by Ram Dass and Mirabai Bush. I am not quite finished, but I can say I highly recommend it.

Love and Peace, Gregg

EASTER MONDAY

HAPPY EASTER MONDAY! We traditionally got today off as school kids. I think the whole society took a breather after going through Lent and the subsequent Easter celebration. The world is quite different now.

I am not going to write much, but I have a couple stories to tell. I am tired today and I will tell you why. When we moved in here I turned over our thirty year old mattress, it was still providing a good Nights sleep. However, on turning it over I discovered ridges as if the springs had begun to press out the bottom, but I could sleep between the ridges or even on them, I thought the pressure of my body would correct the problem. We moved in here on September 15 so I have been sleeping on this funny mattress for awhile.

In the last week I have experienced strange pains when I got up at night. Men my age do a lot of getting up at night. It was getting a little scary, so Sunday with Jamie's help we flipped over the mattress. That is a significant job for old folks. I was so proud of myself. I felt I will get a great Night's sleep now. I really didn't consider that the mattress may be totally shot. It looked good.

I was really looking forward to crawling into a nice bed for a change. Although this mattress was fine before we moved here and turned it over, turning it over again did not improve on things. It was awful! I got up in the night and tried sleeping in my chair, that didn't work. I managed to sleep with my head toward the other end. That helped a teeny bit, not enough. I had spots of pain upon arising.

I knew I needed to get a new mattress today! The paradox was I was so tired I didn't think I would be very happy with the shopping required, but I couldn't take it another Night.

I googled mattresses in our area and visited the closest place, it was one of those unclaimed freight places. It had good recommendations. I found exactly what I wanted and for reasonable fee they delivered and picked up our old mattress. They were here shortly after Noon. I am all set up for tonight. I might have an exploratory nap this afternoon.

Second story: The Tale of the Missing Cup. I got a cup from some of my grand kids about twenty years ago and I have been using it for my Morning coffee ever since. I wasn't drinking coffee when we first moved in here and the cup got misplaced. I looked everywhere for it and did not stop at thinly veiled accusations against Jamie. Every time we went to Mora we would take a few boxes of stuff to the thrift store. I was sure my cup was sitting on the thrift store shelf. I didn't stop looking and it was frequently on my mind as I poked through a cupboard.

I was pretty tired and an unfeeling person may have thought I was crabby this Morning. I looked down after finishing setting up the coffee and what did I see my cup! How did that happen! A miracle! The story is more mundane. Naomi brought some ham and au gratin potatoes over for me last Night. She heated up the plate of food in the micro-wave. The cup was in the micro-wave. I guess we never used the micro-wave. In the excitement of the visit she didn't mention it.

Before I spied that cup I was dreading the day before me. The last thing I wanted to do was shop for a mattress. It seemed like a horrible proposition. Was this a sign that things would work out? Jamie was sympathizing with my dilemma this Morning and I said, “Don't worry I am surrounded by twenty angels.” One of those half serious comments. I must be. Things sure worked out perfect.

Love and Peace, Gregg

P.S. I enjoyed a much appreciated visit with Naomi and Bruce last Night. We laughed and laughed and had a marvelous time.

FINALLY

I just got back from my last Doctor's appointment. It was with my primary physician. It was a regular wellness visit. I never had one of those before; I never had a regular doctor before, I only went to the doctor when I had to and I usually saw who was available or the one my wife was seeing. This cancer thing has changed all that. For awhile I was seeing a cardiologist, an oncologist plus my regular doctor.

It isn't my last visit as the oncologist insist on seeing me every six months forever, but the long chain of doctor visits related to my esophageal tumor are over! I won't need to see anyone unless I have a specific concern. Let's hope I don't.

It is turning out to be a gorgeous Spring Day! It is Sunny and the temperature is supposed to climb into the sixties.

I am going to take a break and spend the rest of the day Sunning myself.

HAPPY EASTER!

This is the time of the year when we celebrate the return of the LIGHT! Let us celebrate fully and richly. The light cometh.

Love and Peace, Gregg

THE PASSING OF A FRIEND

The rainy day that I thought was coming yesterday came today. It has been a fairly good rain, it is melting what's left of the snow in the backyard. Yesterday turned out to be a magnificent Sunny day! I sat outside most of the day and even took my shirt off and got some Sun on my belly. I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment [follow-up] yesterday afternoon. They called me in the Morning and said they looked over my chart and decided I didn't need to come in unless I had questions or concerns. I told them I was as healthy as a horse and happy to boot. So they cancelled the appointment. I was too well!

This Morning has been busy. Jamie had an appointment that included lab work. We actually made two visits because the time between when the lab work was finished and the appointment began was too long to wait. We had time to come home and run some errands.

I am now ready to blog but I am also ready to nap. We will see how it works out.

Last Evening got an e-mail that an old friend of ours died. It was not completely unexpected because he recently had surgery for cancer of the bowel, however it was surprising enough as I thought the surgery was quite successful, they got all the cancer and he was making a good recovery.

His name was Dan. He was one of those people I instantly connected with. It didn't matter how often we got together, it was like we never were apart. I felt that way with my Brother Garth and with a friend who was a colleague of mine when I worked at Anoka County years ago [the first round]. He moved to Duluth years ago and if we met today it would be like we were never apart.

How many people do we know like that in a lifetime? Is it because we have had many lives together in the past? Who knows? Shortly after I read that Dan died. I was sitting back in my chair in contemplation when I heard hundreds of birds chirping loudly! It was the music birds make during their dawn chorus in the Spring. My eyes went to the television. The mute was on the noise didn't come from that direction.

Now old men hear lots of noises in their ears of non-existent things. I know that. This wasn't one of those noises. This was birds in full throated greeting of a new day.

I can only believe that Dan payed me a visit on his way to his next experience and the birds were in full orchestrating beauty welcoming a beloved soul to eternal paradise.

That is what I want to think.

I bought a book a couple months ago and just started reading it. It is titled, “WALKING EACH OTHER HOME” by Ram Dass and Mirabai Bush. Many of you know Ram Dass from his great best seller “Be Here Now”. Ram Dass is 86 now and has been in a wheel chair and partially paralyzed for twenty some years after a massive stroke. He has some aphasia but his mind is as brilliant as ever. This book deals with death. It is a good read. Interesting, that yesterday, I planned to begin reading it today before I heard of Dan's death.

Love and Peace, Gregg

SEEING

I was hoping the Sun would come out and melt the rest of the snow. It was out a little while this Morning, not long enough. It might rain tomorrow, that should do it. We in Minnesota-land had to go through two Springs. Where I live we were rid of the snow for only one day and then it snowed again. It is warm out 52 F, but it is breezy and cloudy and that snow is stubborn. It holds be back on some of my walking plans as my pathways are slush covered, but I ain't no ball of fire and who knows if I would be taking advantage of Spring weather if we had it.

I got a glimpse into the freakishness of polarization when Julian Assange was arrested. I took it for granted that the liberal/progressive community supported him as a journalist who attempted to bring truth to the people. I discovered there were some folks who considered themselves liberal who lined up against him. I couldn't imagine why until I discovered they were tarring him with the Russia-gate brush.

Of all the things we could charge Trump with the Russia thing was nonsense. Hillary lost because she did not appeal to the struggling working class whose standard of living had not improved since the 70's. They are in great distress and it amazes me that the Democrats don't address it in loud voices. If things don't collapse first they will lose again, until they talk to these people and connect with their pain.

Any way, Russia's meddling in the election is small potatoes compared to what we do, around the world, in almost every election. If it wasn't for United States meddling Yeltsin would have never been elected which was the bringing down of the USSR. That was fully acknowledged at the time, if fact it was a cover story in the TIMES magazine. Look it up.

The Democrats should back off this Russia-gate thing. They could get their butts singed. The DNC has been guilty of their own meddling. They engineered Hillary's nomination. Many folks feel that Bernie would have won without their meddling. There is more than a little evidence that they spied on the Trump campaign. I am a life long radical democrat but I resist polarization and pigeon holing like the plague.

Were in for a shake up of our presumptions that will leave many confused. I don't think either party will survive the truth as it emerges. The Republicans are already embarrassed and ashamed of themselves [I know they hide it well]. The Democrats have become the party of righteousness, they are in for a downer when they find out what the DNC has been up to and how they have been manipulated to take sides when there was no side to take. One has to know the truth to stand on the side of truth. We can't get by ingesting some mish-mash fed to us by so called authority figures. We need to see for ourselves. Waking up is not the “Woke” that is fashionable, that is more blindness. We need to see our own craziness before we point to others.

It is hard to believe that something we just accept as fact may not be. Political persuasions and religious positions are especially vulnerable because we absorb many so-called truths that are simply not true. We have to face it, with the collapse of our empire will come the upturning of everything we thought was true.

We will have to relearn how to govern ourselves. We will have to learn how to live on the Earth with respect for her as we would any living Mother that loves and cares for us.

Look into the hearts of those who want to be leaders. Do you see love? Have their decisions been loving? Do they want to find ways to care for the people, all the people? I think there are a lot of good potential leaders out there.

It can be a scary time or an exciting time. A time to rebuild the world with love. Do not follow anybody who blames, divides or polarizes. We will be okay if we follow the love in our own hearts. We know the truth, we just like to hide it from ourselves. Love in the only energy there is and it is our only hope.

Happy Monday!

Love and Peace, Gregg

THE COLLAPSING OF THE EMPIRE

I don't know that I can blog today. I just got home. Jamie had a doctor's appointment and I waited for two hours. We got there early to start with, I thought the roads might be slow. They were slush covered, but we went along nicely. We were one-half hour early. I enjoyed myself observing the people, but time in a doctor's waiting room goes by at a different pace than the time at your favorite bar.

It is still snowing. It is also melting. My thermometer says it is 47.8 F. My experience is that it might be a couple degrees high, but it is pretty close. If the Sun comes out at all this weekend we should make a dent in this dense blanket of snow. It will probably be Monday before we see the ground again.

The Sun must be trying to break through the clouds, it is getting brighter in here! How is your world? Is it getting brighter? Mine is. I seem to be getting through a cloud that has engulfed me personally and I definitely see the promise of light coming to the world. I see so many positive signs of truth breaking through the crust of lies and deceit that have governed us forever.

Every time one of us makes that commitment to love in the moment, the light gets a little brighter. We may have to renew the commitment several times a day. That is okay. Don't get discouraged. We have become accustomed to the darkness. In fact our minds have become comfortable with a certain amount of negativity. With a little practice we can learn to catch ourselves when our minds go in an unloving direction. We can ask for help from our guides or our higher self.

Everything we thought we knew is going to be challenged. All the usual labels; conservative/liberal, republican/democrat, capitalist/socialist etc. etc. etc. are going to change dramatically as more truth comes out. It will be as if all our labels are put in a giant bushel basket, stirred thoroughly and shook about, then spilled out.

The world that we have known is history. This may be the biggest collapse of an empire on this Earth. I think it will dwarf the significance of the Roman Empire collapse. It is interesting we have a clown in charge.

It is all good. Just remember to love in the moment. Always make the most loving choice. Peace, love, and joy are ours.

Happy Friday! Celebrate!

Love and Peace, Gregg

THANKFULNESS

We are awaiting the storm. Apparently it is going to be a big one. We finally were freed from the last bit of old snow yesterday or day before, my days run together. It is okay. It will melt quickly. I don't know if I am influenced by the media hype, but I can feel the tension before the storm; both exciting and apprehensive. We could get over a foot of snow.

I have been learning a great deal about keeping my mind free of negative input so I can be loving in the moment. I am not out of the woods by any means. I am learning though and the last three days have been good.

Much of it has to do with my changing role in relation to Jamie's health. I need to go from husband to caretaker in seconds and sometimes I don't get the cues. Periodic forgetfulness is an interesting phenomena and how one's partner responds to it can create turmoil or peace. I will have much more to say about this at a later time.

Our cleaning lady just arrived and now I have lost my train of thought. After living here seven months we decided we ought to clean and vacuum. It actually doesn't look that bad, to me, others like my daughter may have a different perspective. We have had a cleaning lady since I retired in 2000. We had some vague idea with a smaller home we wouldn't need one. After all, there is no more tracking in of chicken, sheep, turkey, goose and goat manure, no more shedding of feed and hay from my clothes. I miss those days but this new life is okay too.

Oh, I got back my train of thought. In the last week I have become more and more aware of how important thankfulness is. When I have felt the encroachment of darkness, I focus on the first thing that comes to my mind that I am thankful for. At first we may not be able to think of anything if we are really down, but we can always find something. I have food in the house. My foot doesn't hurt. I am not sick. I am not very sick. Find something and thank the Loving Universe for it. As soon as we pry open the door to our gratefulness, more ideas flood in. As we express our thankfulness we will feel lighter and lighter. Whatever has been inviting the darkness will fade away.

As I reported I fell down on last Wednesday and I was afraid I had hurt myself. I was in a mild downer for awhile because I felt I may have set myself back considerably. I didn't, by Sunday Morning I was completely better. Instead of focusing on the fear that I might have hurt myself permanently, I talked to my body and praised it for its healing function. I spent one night in agony, but with help from a dose of tylenol I got through it.

The Night of agony didn't happen right after the fall. I fell on Wednesday. Thursday I was aware of a painful knot on my left hip and mild pain in my left shoulder and arm. The pain in my shoulder remained a mild complaint until Friday afternoon, I was on a long telephone conversation and the act of holding the phone up to my ear for an hour somehow aggravated the condition. I wanted to take something before I went to bed but all we had was aspirin and ibuprofen neither are recommended if one is on Xarelto [I hope to be off it soon].

I thought lying in bed would work out. Usually I can enter into the center of the pain, feel all of its intensity, bless it and it will allow me to sleep. Not this time. The pain was off the scale. I don't know what health professionals mean when they show you a pain chart from zero to ten and you are suppose to assess the pain. I thought about that, for the first time in my life I would say the pain was off the chart. The center of the pain was somewhere in my shoulder but my arm was useless. I went to bed about 11:30 and by 2:30AM I heaved myself out of bed, put on my clothes with great difficulty and went to Coborns and bought some Tylenol. My sore arm and shoulder would not allow me to take my wallet out of my pocket and I had to ask the clerk to do so. I relayed my story to him and he didn't think I was weird.

I got home took a dose of Tylenol and went to bed. It took a while and another dose, but finally the pain dissipated enough that I could sleep. I took a preventative dose upon arising. I had no pain all day Saturday. I took another preventative dose on Saturday night to insure I would sleep. I had no trace of a problem on Sunday Morning and haven't had since.

It was a miracle. I was sure there was something seriously wrong, slipped disc, significant nerve damage etc. It was discouraging to have this happen after all I have been through with this amazing body.

I was elated most of the day Sunday and off and on since. My body and the Loving Universe gave me a giant reprieve. I can continue to go forward with my healing. I can close my eyes, find that peaceful place, express my gratitude and experience elation.

For some time now I have been thanking our Mother/Father God upon going to bed. I look over the day and express my gratitude for all my experiences. When I awake in the Morning I express my thanks for the great sleep and the for the new day that stretches before me.

I think our cleaning lady is done. I need to settle up and express my thanks for the clean house.

Love and Peace, Gregg

P.S. I just looked at our local forecast, worse case scenario we could get 24 inches of new snow!

A MONDAY

It is a beautiful Sunny day! The snow is about gone in our yard. Let us ignore the forecast of three to seven inches later this week.

Going forward and backward seems to be part of life's progression, at least for me. Thankfully I am completely over the injuries I received in my fall last week. For awhile I thought it was going to be Emergency Room time, but all pain and symptoms disappeared by Sunday Morning. I must be doing something right.

I wish more politicians would speak up on our supposed War on Terror. The United States is by far the greatest terror threat on Earth. The U.S. drops a bomb every twelve minutes, every day, around the clock. Women and children are killed, thousands lose their livelihood and homes. What for? Oh, somebody can explain each incidence and make it sound almost necessary. We need to get our heads out of the sand and pay attention to what is happening in the world. It is not really hidden. I don't look for this information. I would like to ignore it, but it comes out and whacks me in the face.

This empire has done a masterful job of keeping the citizenry asleep. We drink our lattes, go to the theatre and especially watch television, while our government supports murder and mayhem all over the world. Any threat to the empire is met first by demonization of their leaders or form of government, we use sanctions, block their use of international money channels and when they get weak enough and the people protest we introduce our puppets. If that fails we use bombs. Every time I read about Libya I cry. I witnessed that tragedy from the beginning. I may spend some time writing about it in the future.

I know it is very difficult to think of our government being involved in such treachery that causes such disruption in the world and such horror to innocent people. Don't think of it as 'our government'. We don't go along with it! I think most of the people we elect to office don't go along with it. Who would support the murder of innocent people for power and greed?

These newly elected house members will soon discover the power of the industrial/military complex. They are world wide and their only interest is money and power through control of the worlds resources. When our representatives point out the craziness, we need to support them and not get seduced by their favorite tricks of divisiveness and demonization. It is not antisemitic to criticize the Israeli government and those that support it, as it is not anti-american to criticize the United States government. When they are wrong, they are wrong.

We need to figure out how to wake people up without creating more divisiveness and anger. We need to give loving support to those who want to make positive changes without blaming and creating sides. I want people to see the truth about our empire so they can quit unconsciously supporting it.

I know with every fibre of my being that love is the only energy there is and the only solution to this problem. I don't want to be part of the awakening process that leads to anger. Anger only plays into the hands of those we are trying to dethrone.

We really need to understand what 'love your enemy' means. It means seeing these members of the power mad group as victims, also. They are trapped by their beliefs like everybody else. We don't know how they grew up. We don't know how they were indoctrinated for generations. I have always had the suspicion that they are people who don't believe love exist [or is possible for them] so they try to satisfy their needs through possessions and power.

They need to be unseated and taken out of their power positions and perhaps some need to be imprisoned to insure protection of the population. Our anger, our judgement, our condemnation will not help anybody.

We can use discernment to know who speaks out honestly and with love in their heart. We have some leaders in congress and on the threshold who are willing to provide leadership. Let us open our own eyes. Focus on love in our own lives and we won't be fooled.

Nothing can stop us! Love cannot be stopped!

Love and Peace, Gregg

STUPIDITY

It is gloomy outside. I am kind of gloomy, even miserable. I will get over it. Writing about it will help. As I reported in my Wednesday blog I felt tired due to the events on Tuesday. I felt good too, our trip was lovely and I enjoyed the meeting with the doctor.

On Wednesday evening it kept crossing my mind, “I should celebrate.” About 9:30 I thought, “Okay I will have a toast to the universe.” I did, I toasted the universe more than once between 9:30 and 11:30. At 11:30 PM I generally go to my study and consult my computer to catch up on the events of the day and read some of my favorite things.

On my way to the study I stopped at the bathroom which is adjacent to the laundry room and my study. For some unknown reason I lost my balance and fell through the door of the bathroom into the laundry room. I managed to crawl through the laundry room into my study. The three rooms are hooked together. I never hurt myself falling and I didn't think I did this time. It must have taken me at least an hour to get up because I didn't get to bed until 2:AM and I doubt if I spent more than an hour on the computer if that.

Upon arising Thursday morning I discovered I had a knot of pain on my left hip like a deep bruise. Then my left shoulder was weak and painful. I must have fallen hard on my left side.

I had trouble getting out of my chair during my recovery so I put an extra pillow on the seat to raise it up. It worked fine. I had just taken it out on Monday. Yes! I had a lot to celebrate; a clean report from the doctor and I could go back to getting in and out of my chair as always. Hey! I was returning to normal. Now with the pain in my hip and my sore shoulder I am having trouble getting in and out of my chair again. I am going to tough it out though. I will heal. I won't let one little indiscretion keep me from going forward.

To top it off I didn't feel good yesterday, a hangover perhaps. I missed several opportunities to be loving in the moment and was not very pleasant to Jamie. Yes, I was in jerks-ville much of the day. I am a better person today but the physical results of my fall are no better.

Then to top off an interesting eventful day I was trying to program my garage door to open with a combination from the outside, I didn't succeed. This Morning I noticed I did succeed in deprogramming the control to open and close the door from inside the car. Now what? I wonder what kind of astrological influence I am experiencing or is this just life's stupidities?

I hope I am not raining on anybody's parade. Hey! It is worth a chuckle. That is all we can do and then forge ahead. We know paradise is somewhere.

Wouldn't it be nice if we went forward every day, perhaps just a little, to spiritual and psychological enlightenment without these backward lurches? Yet I know I will look back on recent events and see the learning. They might even be important turning points. In any case I recommit myself to being love every moment.

I know I am one with a Loving Universe and everything is indeed okay. Maybe now that I have written this I should erase it and write a blog only about the marvels I have experienced in the last couple days. I could. I did experience marvels. Nah, this writing reflects the tone of yesterday. Just one of those little backlashes in our forward progress.

Happy Friday! Celebrate- but not like I did.

Love and Peace, Gregg

A TRIP

Another perfect day on planet Earth. There is no more snow visible with a casual view out may Study window. If I get off my chair and crane my neck, I can still see a pile at the end of our road. Looking out my backdoor, my eyes are greeted by a large pile of snow just off our patio. I tried walking across it and it is not easily transversed. It is no longer deep but it is pure slush and slippery. I took the snow shovel off the patio and stored it in the garage. That is my message to Mother Nature: To Bring On the Spring!

Overall, it has been a perfect Spring for many folks in flood prone areas. The freezing Nights and lack of significant rain has retarded the snow melt and kept Minnesota and Iowa from becoming another Nebraska. Flooding is such a powerful and seeming unforgiving force. I have lived through several and they are awful, as in negative and inspiring awe. When they don't damage property or disturb our well being, they are awe inspiring; water is so powerful.

I am a little tired today. I must be getting old. I drove 153 miles round trip yesterday to visit my radiation doctor. He had nothing to offer, he just wanted to gaze at me and reassure himself that the scans and test that showed I was cancer free were really true. He admitted that he had nothing to offer and he still would like to see me in six months if I am willing. I told him, “You must really love me.” He said, “I do.” A good Doctor.

My whole medical experience was amazing. I wish everybody could have such a good experience. I have never felt more loved and cared for; at the radiation center in Wyoming, Mn., at the hospital in Mora, Mn. and here in St Cloud. They always kept talking about how strong I was, how brave I was etc. etc. I didn't think they were blowing smoke, but I did think it was pep talk everyone received. I wasn't strong or brave or anything else, I just got on the train blessed the conductor and settled back for the ride.

I realized something recently, when I first met the oncologist in Mora he was quite candid without being discouraging. He said men in their eighties do not necessarily respond well to treatment. He said they may have to give me a feeding tube after two weeks of radiation as I may not be able to swallow anymore. His general demeanor was optimistic, so I took his comments as being worse case scenarios.

I think they were impressed at how well I did in the first six weeks or so, that they became very optimistic and I became a patient to watch. Towards the end of the scheduled fifteen weeks of radiation, however, the tumor on one side of the lymph node was stubbornly holding on. They added a sixteenth week of more intense radiation to shrink it. It worked.

I didn't find out until I moved here and started seeing the oncologist in St Cloud that they had all but gave up on me during those last few weeks of radiation when the tumor wouldn't respond. He was embarrassed when he realized he let it slip. He didn't realize he was saying something I hadn't surmised. It was all okay with me and he is a great doctor too, I have been more than blessed.

I don't know how I would have felt if I knew they were having doubts. I was just on the trip. Everything looked okay from my passenger window. I never really contemplated outcomes. It was clear from the start it was a life and death trip.

When I thanked Dr Sood, the radiation doctor, he insisted I owed thanks to myself. I tried to protest but he insisted it was my will that healed me. I got the same message from the technicians who always commented on my strength. They went out of their way to show how impressed they were with me. I don't know. I don't think I am any stronger than anybody else and certainly not braver. I just got on the train and decided to enjoy the ride.

Oh............ one thing occurred to me as I was writing this; I was never afraid, I got on the train without expectation of an outcome. The train might have been labeled life or death, but they were both life to me.

Love and Peace, Gregg

A CHILD

I am learning. I have been able to climb the mountain and look back at the Earth and our drama here and simultaneously look into what comes next and anticipate meeting those who have gone before me. No I don't feel like I am leaving soon, in fact, I have never felt more alive, more and more I feel it is our choice when we leave.

I have always wondered, if when we arrive at our next destination, we will give a rats about the questions we have now. Will we want to know the truth about the Kennedy assassination? Maybe we won't care about what happened in our illusion. Does it really matter. How about personal stuff about relationships, with parents, siblings etc. Won't we still be interested in what was going on? I am curious now- will I be then?

I am curious about several of the dramas that affected my life. Here is one. One of my favorite relatives was my Mother's brother Gerard. We called him Jerry. He was my Godfather. I adored him the way a little boy loves and idolizes those almost grown up big boys in their life.

He was an Air Force pilot during WWII. He flew cargo planes over the Burmese mountains. He flew into a cloud bank, escaping from Japanese fighters, and crashed into a peak and was killed. I was haunted by the idea that I might have killed him. I knew it wasn't true.......... but still............ here is my story.

I was eight years old. I saw a movie at the Columbia Heights theatre that involved voodoo. I don't remember the name of the movie, I think the setting may have been Jamaica. A doll was made to represent a person and what was done to the doll the person suffered.

I was impressed, even obsessed wth the idea. I wanted to try it but I didn't want to injure anybody who was around. Who could I try it on and have the least impact on me and my immediate family? I settled on Jerry [God bless the 8 year old mind]. He was far away and not in our lives. I found some paper soldiers. I selected one and carefully hung it up on the alley side of our garage with a string and thumbtack. I lit it with a match.

The whole time I knew I was being silly and I also knew it was just silliness in subsequent years when it came back to haunt me.

I will never forget the moment I heard Jerry was killed in a fiery crash. My brother Garth and I slept in bunk beds in the basement. It was a quasi-finished room. The family bathroom was in the basement too. We lived in a small two bedroom bungalow. My Mother was halfway down the stairs and she said, “I have some sad news to tell you.” I knew instantly what it was, she went on, “Your Uncle Jerry was killed in a airplane crash.” It was devastating. I was already a shamed based child, having by that time spent three years in school getting mostly Fs and told how bad I was. Now I was a killer.

As I have said, I knew it was silly. I couldn't have really done it, but we humans live on different levels. We can think one thing in one part of our mind and believe the opposite in another. It was the last thing this child needed to experience. I was carrying too much weight already and it was all my fault- it was always my fault. And it was.

I have been able to slide over the meaning of this episode and I have told it relatively lightheartedly on occasion but upon recalling it today I cried profusely. My tears were for the child that I was, not to ease present pain. I have been at peace with the experience for many years. Well, the child may still exist in me and may have needed more expression. Ah..... that is taking care of the inner child.

So when I run into Jerry again, I am going to ask him, “What kind of a contract did we make before coming into this life?” I don't believe in accidents or coincidence. There was reason for this experience. I have a knowingness that there was more positive learning from it than the pain I experienced, but I cannot illustrate the learning.

I won't spend too much time in puzzling thought. It is past and I mean really past, it no longer cast a shadow.

I am going to climb back up that mountain and observe the Love that is engulfing the planet.

Happy Monday!

Love and Peace, Gregg