UPDATE

I wasn't going to blog today. I have been struggling with my reaction to Jamie's illness. Maybe it would help to give folks a little update. I know it helps me to express myself.

As I have mentioned before Jamie has had some damage to her hippocampus due to sleep apnea. The hippocampus produces dopamine which gives us the feeling of pleasure. Dopamine is very essential in creative people, it enhances the enjoyment of the things we make and the things that surround us. Jamie is a very creative person.

There has been a resulting depression that has gradually deepened these last few months and seems to have accelerated these last two or three weeks. The darkness she experiences is now profound. She frequently expresses a wish to die.

I have an ability to focus on the love in life and pass lightly over the dark. This seems to be especially helpful to Jamie and she has said frequently, “I am glad we both don't feel like I do.”

Sometimes it weighs me down. I wonder if I can endure it much longer. Yet I don't know what that means. I know I will endure it as long as necessary. Sometimes I don't get in touch with the depths of my feelings until the crises is over. Which reminds me of something connected with Jamie.

Forty-five or so years ago, I broke down sobbing and I sobbed and sobbed. They were not painful tears. It came to me in a rush that I was lonely all my life and didn't know it. I didn't know I was lonely until I quit being lonely. I quit being lonely because I met a person who I connected with heart and mind. That person was Jamie.

Jamie saved me. She not only solved my loneliness but she introduced me to new possibilities of thinking and doing. I blossomed spiritually and intellectually.

So I am lonely again but not like before. I don't have a piece missing. I am whole. I can sit at this moment and feel the love flowing through me. I know at some level we choose all our experiences. We learn. We love. Our hearts and minds expand.

I don't know how things will work out. I believe in miracles, but I don't deny writing on the wall; but I will always believe in miracles.

Jamie has pursued all the cures she can find, alternative and modern medicine. The usual medical treatments for depression don't work with this type of damage. She has an appointment with a psychiatrist who wants to try a remedy.

We could use your good energy. I will update you from time to time.

Love and Peace, Gregg