INSOMNIA

I am kind of out of it. I didn't sleep well last Night and this Morning I decided not to make coffee to test whether coffee was contributing to my insomnia. So I wake up groggy and then eschew the only cure I know.

Yes, I still struggle with insomnia. I will have a couple better Nights and then I am back to a bad once again. As I mentioned before, I first thought it might be related to fear of death and after extensive self-evaluation decided it wasn't. Yet death has many layers, I could be free of fear of death of the body and yet be grieving over the end of all the relationships on the planet. Relationships with my wife, children, family, Sunshine, flowers, Summer breezes, breathtaking landscapes, crickets, grasshoppers, butterflies, birds, lakes, rivers, the smell of a Summer Morning, need I go on?

Sure I believe I will continue! But this Planet Earth and the illusions I experience here are unique. This is an amazing planet. It is rich and beautiful beyond belief and I so much want to be here for the Grand Awakening. However, I accept the Universe's plan for salvation of the Earth's people and my part in it. I know I will serve wherever I am.

I have been way to preoccupied with the end of life lately. It occurred to me that I didn't want to leave Jamie in the lurch if I suddenly killed over, so I have been arranging our financial affairs so she won't have difficulty. They are not particularly complicated but as I mentioned in a previous blog Jamie has a mood disorder caused by damage to her hippocampus. It doesn't provide enough dopamine. This condition comes with some intermittent forgetfulness. It is believed that this problem was caused by sleep apnea. In any case Jamie and I decided that a family member should be made aware of our finances so they can advise Jamie, or take over, when necessary. We chose Naomi as she lives close and is wise in the handling of money.

Then I have been in the process of filling out an End to Life Declaration, I guess it is called an Advanced Care Directive, or at least thinking about it. I don't actually have it in my hand yet. [I like my name better]

All this is happening when I am trying to speculate if death has something to do with my insomnia. Something is not right about this pattern.

Then on top of this I am coming out of a situation where I did flirt with death. My doctor told me I had 3 to 4 months tops, to live, without treatment.

I am just beginning to feel as good as I did before I was hit with this affliction. I don't think death is at my doorstep and I feel the old man with the scythe is moving further and further away.

I potted the two remaining amaryllis yesterday, I used to have a dozen and more. It reminded me how much I will miss getting my hands in the dirt. It is the memory I am in love with, even in perfect health I couldn't indulge in the gardening of the past. I can do patio gardening and there are a couple huge boulders in my backyard which are perfect centerpieces that can be surrounded with flowers.

In case anyone has suggestions; my insomnia is the type that occurs after I have been asleep. When I go to bed I am normally tired, I go to sleep without much of a problem, then I awake after one hour and am wide awake. Sometimes I am agitated but usually not. I suspect the insomnia is psychological and I am responding to some kind of continuing repressed anxiety. Maybe not. I continue my internal search. I will unearth whatever might be there.

I do respond to affirmations about love and I can get through the Night by surrounding my self with love. So being awake is not always awful, but it would be nice to sink into a sound sleep.

Love and Peace, Gregg