A couple days ago, a reader asked me, "Where does your belief system come from?" I answered her back, more or less, from the top of my head. My answer was okay as far as it went; but the question is much deeper than that.
Let us talk about belief systems in general. Belief systems include everything, not just what religion/philosophy inculcate. Our individual belief system is shaped by our total experience. Most folks don't question their beliefs; they accept what they have been taught both consciously and unconsciously. Questioning beliefs are always fraught with peril. Regardless of the belief stream you find yourself in, questioning it openly can lead you to ridicule, attack or expulsion from the group. Many people who see that everything is not quite right, keep it to themselves for fear of rejection. There is warmth and acceptance in going along. The climate can be cold and blustery when you don't.
There are those who see that what is toted as truth is not quite true. Depending on their personal nature, self-esteem, allegiance to the group etc. they may attempt to nudge the people around them to see things differently. There are many shades and varieties in this group.
Then there are the truth seekers and truthsayers. There are truth seekers who are dedicated to know truth for themselves; yet they may not make waves about it. They are primarily motivated by knowledge; they need to know. Then there are the truthsayers, they can't help but say what they think. They are often ridiculed, ostracized and have been persecuted in some eras and societies. Both the truth seekers and truthsayers are immensely valuable in our attempts to open our eyes and see beyond the illusion we have been stuck with.
The reader asked me about my belief system. I don't know that I have one. Belief systems are a cocoon that makes you feel safe but limits your experience and knowledge. If you are dedicated to see what is; belief systems hold one back. I have embraced belief systems but find myself shucking them as I grow out of them.
Going into this fully would require an autobiography. I think everybody's life is fascinating. Could a person benefit from knowing my life story? I don't know. I can give a brief synopsis of my spiritual/philosophical evolvement
My early scholastic experience was very troubled. I could read before I went to school. My parents thought I was precocious and I was put in first grade, in a Catholic school, without benefit of kindergarten. I was lost and didn't recover for many years. I couldn't understand what the whole thing was about. I just remember doing poor work and being shamed. Shame was a constant companion right on through high school.
I developed a pattern of not going along which I must have felt some reward for. I didn't see myself as rebellious but I think others might have seen me that way. I just remember confusion. Since I could read, I read the texts cover to cover as soon as they were presented. I was never with the class. If I got interested in a subject in history, I kept reading, not knowing the class had switched to studying geography. I seemed to be destined for failure. I remember one time the teacher was grading us on our reading and dividing us up in groups. She would have us read a paragraph and assign us a bird representing the reading group we were in. Of course, I was assigned the highest group. Then the teacher went around and asked which group we were in. When she called my name, I was daydreaming, and didn't answer. A girl piped up and said, "He is a cardinal, of course" that was the lowest group. I didn't know how to respond, so I spent the rest of that school year in the lowest reading group.
In Catholic School we took intelligence test. The results were given back to us and they had our chronological and mental age printed on them. My mental age was always well above my chronological age. Despite this evidence I did not know I was intelligent. The feedback I received from school was all negative. Once I got six Fs on my report card. I was past on condition year to year. I think they kept passing me because I blew the top off the state boards. As a private school the students needed to take state sanctioned test to assure they were learning properly. I, always, scored well above my grade placement.
My school experience until I got to college was pretty dreadful. I did finally figure out I was doing it to myself. Even at that age I knew my experience was my creation. It wasn't all bad. I always had a best friend. My social group didn't seem to care about my poor school performance. One of my acquaintances said, "You are the smartest one of the dumb kids" I took it as a compliment at the time.
I don't even know that I should have shared this dismal school experience. Outside of school, I had many people who appreciated me. I came from a large family and many uncles and aunts loved me and even doted on me. My Mother was in love with learning, especially of nature, and I absorbed knowledge from her. She certainly had faith in my intelligence. I think she was as confused about my lack of success as I was.
Despite my struggles with the educational establishment, I was an intellectual. When I was thirteen I wanted to grow up to be the philosopher, that taught people, that all pursuits of study were the same. I perceived that psychology, physics, mathematics, astronomy, religion were pursuing the same knowledge. It seemed to be so clear to me then and I wanted to be a philosopher.
I have been interested in the meaning of life, all my life. I read every philosophy text I could get my hands on. When I was in the Air Force I read the complete Mentor Series on philosophy. I loved psychology. I read the "Introduction to Psychoanalysis" by Sigmund Freud when I was sixteen. Of course, I followed by reading works from Carl Jung and Alfred Adler.
This is getting way to long and I haven't really touched on my religious/spiritual evolution yet. I will try to be brief.
I could not believe in the god that the church taught. A god that judged? A god that punished people? It didn't make any sense. On one hand god was described as love and on the other hand he was a punisher. I didn't understand that. I gave up religion in my very early teens.
I continued my study of religion, it fascinated me. I read the bible several times. I have read the text of the worlds major religions and many, many discourses about them. I essentially remained an agnostic. In those years, I thought of myself as an atheist. But I guess I wasn't. An atheist believes there is no god. I could not find a belief.
I studied and studied and absorbed all I could intellectually. I was intrigued that the core of all religion was Love. Some form of loving your neighbor as yourself was the basis of all spiritual pursuits. Seeking God through Love. Seeking God through knowledge of Self. Finding God by finding yourself. Discovering God in yourself. Discovering Yourself in God. All of these concepts are found in the works of the major religions.
This is way to long and I have a chores to do. I am going to have to write a part two and maybe three. Let me say before closing, that I didn't really start learning until I acknowledged, that I thought with my heart, as well as well as my brain. I got to the point where intellectual pursuits were a dead end. It wasn't until I asked my self questions like "What is Love" and was able to listen for an answer. When my heart began to open I began to hear.
Well, I got to take care of my animals and wash my dishes. I have much more to say on the subject.
Happy Friday.
Love and Peace, Gregg
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