We
have had a succession of beautiful days on this part of Planet Earth.
Today is another one.
As
I sit here writing this rare Thursday blog, I feel as I always do, so
relating the experience of the last ten days or so is strange.
In
my last blog I mentioned I had undergone a medical procedure. I have
been having difficulty swallowing since the second week in May. It
went up and down but trended worse. I was sure I had Dysphagia. I
looked it up with Dr. Internet, I had all the symptoms of a lower
esophageal sphincter not opening properly.
An
upper G.I. Scope is the procedure for determining this diagnoses.
That was the procedure I was referring to. The doctor said they
found a mass and they took a biopsy. He said it could be a squamous
cell carcinoma. Well that wasn't happy news, but maybe it wasn't too.
The next day I got a call from the doctor, the biopsy confirmed the
diagnoses. Still, he felt it was treatable. So an operation, I can
deal with that.
They
scheduled me for a PET scan on Friday and an appointment with the
oncologist on the following Tuesday [the 16th]. He spent
an hour with us. Showed us the results of the PET scan. Took a
detailed history and examined me. Then he got down to the
nitty-gritty.
He
said that the tumor involved two associated lymph glands and it was
inoperable. He said it wouldn't be operable even if I was only 43
instead of 83. He recommended radiation to shrink the tumor and make
me more comfortable. I asked him how long I would live if I did
nothing. He replied that I would probably not make it past three or
four months. I would get to the point where I could not swallow my
saliva. Wow! We sure were not expecting this. He said I had a spot on
my spine and a couple spots on my liver that needed further checking
out. If they turned out to be nothing they could proceed with the
radiation more aggressively.
I
had a CT scan and an MRI to check out the spots yesterday. That MRI
is a trip.
Last
night about 9 P.M. The doctor called me to say that the scans showed
no problem with the spots. The one on my spine was a bit of
arthritis. I can't remember what he said about the liver spots but
they were not to worry about. I was very pleased he took the time to
call me and I told him so. I have been very pleased with his
kindness, dedication and professionalism.
We
have an appointment with the radiation people tomorrow.
Although
this has been a stunner, it is much worse for some of the people I
might leave behind. Jamie has been overwhelmed by the move, she sure
didn't need to hear I might abandon her. We are hopeful that the
radiation will give me a few more years.
Except
for the pain and compassion I have for the people I may leave behind,
I have been fairly comfortable. I am not afraid of death. In fact I
don't think death is real, in the sense we are not bodies, we are
spirits inhabiting bodies for a period of learning. I think we come
to this planet where we can experience both positive and negative.
Our goal is to learn to create only with unconditional love. When we
have learned enough and mastered the lessons we wanted to learn, we
leave.
However
I don't feel ready to go! I have much more work to do on myself. I
have a long way to go in giving up judgement and I am still quick to
retreat to my ego when I feel threatened.
The
other day when I was driving through the countryside, I was suddenly
hit by how I will miss all of this. I shed a few tears and found
myself bargaining, as if I could persuade the Universe [God] to give
me more time. I felt silly. I know this life is my creation, although
the little self doesn't see it is a co-creation and we don't remember
what we planned before we came here. We don't know when it is time to
leave our bodies and we don't know how we serve by leaving as well as
staying.
So
I really don't know if I will leave in a few months or several years.
I do expect miracles and know they will be realized by accepting and
loving each moment that comes to me. Bargaining and other such
activity just muddies the water.
I
intend to love and appreciate every moment that comes to me. I intend
to accept life as it emerges and look for the unconditional love that
is there. Unconditional love is all there is. Everything else is
painful illusion.
I
don't know how this will affect my blogging. Nothing has really
changed. We are all marking time. I will bring it up if I think it
has value to folks. We will see. I don't know what my schedule of
radiation therapy will be. I could be back to my regular blogging
schedule next week.
Love
and Peace, Gregg
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