TRYING TO EMERGE

It is 39 degrees and it is not yet Noon. It is a little unusual for January. We do have our January thaws but this is the mildest Winter I remember. It is a beautiful sunny day and I expect the little snow we have will soon be gone.

I don't know where to begin in discussing the title of this blog. I can only use myself as an example. Should I focus on the war with the ego? The conflict between experiential and intellectual learning?

I suppose my first introduction to Spirituality was through philosophy. I loved reading philosophy. When I was in my early twenties I ran across the Eastern philosophies. I loved reading about the different branches of Buddhism, especially, Zen.  I studied them as philosophy, not as practice. I was interested in the practice, but without a mentor, I couldn't get very deeply into it. Despite that limitation, it shaped how I experienced the world around me and still does.

While still an agnostic I read the bible twice {two different versions} and I have read it at least twice since. My approach was intellectual and I could observe what spirituality might be but could not experience it. I had a deep appreciation of spiritual awareness long before I had any glimmer of awareness myself.

I have devoured knowledge of the world. My input has been intellectual. Sure there was learning at deeper levels, but my emotional and spiritual self  lagged far behind. About forty years ago, I threw myself into finding out what was behind this intellectual knowledge. I wanted to experience Oneness, for example, or hear that small voice inside. I meditated, learned mantras, learned how to control my thoughts {sort of}. I attempted to empty my mind.

Of course I failed to find what I was looking for. Yes, I had some amazing spiritual experiences. Yes, I found more peace in my life. Did I get to the point where I had no more gloomy periods? Did I get over having stupid arguments with my wife? Did I quit judging people? Did I stop drinking too much on occasion? Did I quit being a jerk on a regular basis?  You know the answer to these questions.

I did learn something important. You can't try to grow spiritually. You can't try to grow emotionally. You can't try to be a better person. The ego loves such attempts. Oh how it loves it! The ego loves the contradiction. Oh what fun! Let's get our ego into being spiritual! Let's be proud of our progress! Does it make you want to retch?

It is unlearning. It is removing the blocks to love. It is discovering who you are and who you have always been. There is no where to go. You have never left the source. There is no more struggle in our growing than there is in a caterpillar's eventual pupation to a butterfly.

All we need is the willingness to grow, to unlearn. When we err, we just need to be willing to look at the process, to forgive everything. Emulate the seed that is planted. It is nourished by Earth; it sprouts; it forms its first leaves; it reaches into the soil for what it needs; it flourishes in the air. Where is the timetable? Where is the effort? That is how we will emerge.

Love and Peace, Gregg